Is this the Fawlty Towers of Alvor?

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Club Alvor Golf

Is this hotel the Fawlty Towers of Alvor? Here is the evidence. You decide.

It claims to be self catering, but there was no plug in kettle, no bread knife, no sharp knife, no can opener, no teapot, no draining rack, no potato peeler, no scissors, in fact, virtually no cooking equipment. There was a stove top kettle, a jug, an omelette pan and two casseroles, a few cheap plates, cups and saucers, three tiny glasses. Basically, forget cooking and eat out.

Safety notices about saving water and energy seem designed to disguise the inadequate plumbing and electrics as an ecological measure. The electric points emitted a worrying red spark whenever we used a plug.

The basic build quality of the hotel is good. The wardrobes are huge and solid. It falls down because the plumbing, lighting and decor have all been done cheaply in the 1980s and never modernized. Cables are not chased into walls. Curtain linings are falling off. The painted furniture is not so much fashionable distressed as seriously knocked about.

The bath was badly stained, though clean. The water only came out of a fixed shower head with no temperature control, so if you wanted a hot shower you had to ignore the notices about water saving and wait for it to run hot, which took several minutes. Forget a hot bath. The toilet pump goes on and on. The hair drier/fan equipment did not work.

The beds were hard. Old sheets become like sandpaper when badly pilled. The only quality item in the flat was a large lamp, but no point nearby to plug it in. You pay extra to use the TV and the safe, and presumably to install a lock on the safe as well, as there was no lock on it! The sofa bed was very hard. Fortunately we had no need to sleep on it.